Contemplating Life & Death

Contemplating Life & Death  

Thinking about life... and death today. A friend's father is living his final moments. He struggled with cancer for many years and fought "the good fight" as long as he could. I think about the things he's going to miss. Like his youngest daughter graduate from high school, seeing his girls get married, or meeting his not yet born grandchildren. I think about my friends who's hearts are breaking as they say goodbye to a father and a husband. I think about the giant crevasse that will leave in the house. Always a feeling that something, or someone is missing. Today I'm thinking about how precious life is. How precious every moment of every day is. And it reminds me that I don't want to waste a minute of the time I have left.

It wasn't too long ago that I contemplated my own death. I was going through a really difficult time in my life. The darkest road I'd ever traveled. I felt so alone and disconnected. I felt overwhelmingly hopeless and depressed. I feared that I would never come out of the abyss and I wondered what it would be like if I could just end it all.

It put me in a tough dilemma because I had a sister who committed suicide in 1986. I was so mad at her... I'm still mad at her and part of me doesn't understand. And yet not too long ago I found myself in the depths of hell wondering if I could ever come out again. I wondered if I would ever find joy, happiness or peace. I longed for a little bit of light to guide my way.

It was then that I started to think about my life and my death and I seriously asked myself if I wanted to live any longer. I believe that I'm here for a reason, to help people and I had more to give. And I realized that while I was living, the thought of suicide was always in the back of my mind. So the message to myself was "well if it doesn't work I'll just kill myself." I realized that I wasn't living my life with "two feet in." I was living my life with one foot out the door. How can you live a whole hearted life when part of you is thinking about death and thinking that it is actually an option if "things don't work out."

So I thought about it long and hard and I thought "if I'm going to end it, let's do it! Let's make a plan!" So for awhile I made a plan, I made several plans actually. Pretty good plans, if I wanted to die. Then I was talking to a friend of mine who was thinking about leaving her husband. She couldn't commit to staying but she couldn't commit to leaving either. As we were talking, I realized that she was living her marriage with one foot out the door. And I asked her what it might be like if she gave it three months with "two feet in" to see how that might change things. And so she did. And now 6 months later things seem to be better in her relationship. At least she's committed to giving it a try "two feet in."

After that conversation I was reminded about the choice to live one foot out or two feet in. And after studying quite a bit of Brene Brown I knew that I wanted to live a whole hearted life, if I wanted to live. And so I chose to give it a try and commit to live two feet in. When I did that, something miraculous happened. The anguish that led to the thoughts of death loosened its grip on me and the thoughts of death diminished. The thought of "if this doesn't work out I'll kill myself" left my stream of consciousness. The plans have disappeared from my mind and I don't think about it anymore. I want to live two feet in and my life has changed in amazing ways since I committed to that.

It was a difficult road for me. I had to look at the demons that haunted me, the nightmares that woke me up in a cold sweat and a past that wasn't so pleasant to remember. And I didn't do travel that road alone. I found the right people to help me navigate through the darkness. I found just the right counselor and a few other holistic healers to help me stay in balance along the way. I worked with a chiropractor and a massage therapist. I got acupuncture and worked with a naturopath. And I was taken in by a wonderful pastor who guided my way when the road got really dark. And I had God, who I know was right there with me every step of the way. He orchestrated the perfect healing journey, brought in just the right people to assist me and provided the most amazing life lessons. The lesson would never have been so profound if the journey had not been so dark.

My journey was the most difficult I've ever traveled and yet it was filled with miracles all along the way. Little flickers of hope to guide me. No one has to travel the dark alone. God is always there. And he brings people into your life to help. I'm proud to say I'm one of those people he calls on to help others in my counseling practice. It's okay to ask for help. The only way to live a life is "two feet in." Are you? Let someone know if you need help navigating in the